Over the past few weeks, I’d had an awful wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. In addition to the feeling, I’ve “known” there would be a death in the family on or around Thanksgiving. Catch is… I didn’t know who.
Logically I thought Don and I were going to lose one of our remaining grandparents – my Nana (she’s 91!) has had a series of mini strokes since this summer, my husband’s Mom-Mom is in rehab after breaking her back (osteoporosis), and his grandmother’s husband, Bill, is in a nursing home after a series of strokes. Each has a limited life span, so it made sense that it would likely be one of them. With this in mind, I had prepared myself and my husband mentally for a loss of one of them. I’d even mentioned to several friends, “I have a bad feeling. Both my grandfathers died on Thanksgiving, I think I may be losing another grandparent this holiday.”
As it turns out, I wasn’t wrong about the feeling. I was wrong, however, about the person. On Wednesday evening, my stepbrother committed suicide.
I wasn’t particularly close to him – we saw each other on the holidays and that was about it. But there has been a tremendous amount of guilt. I KNEW something was going to happen. And I’m usually able to use these feelings to help guide other people. Why couldn’t I use the feeling to help my own family?
The reason is… I probably wasn’t meant to. As I tell many clients, I’m not going to get anything that you don’t have the control to change. And I know, there was nothing anything could have done for my stepbrother. That being said, knowing there was going to be a loss… Don and I were prepared for the shock. Guess I won’t be turning in my “gift” just yet….